Father’s Day. Last year at this point, I started working on my film, donor 67, again. I had been doing a little research, and a little writing, but still mostly just thinking. A couple of weeks earlier I had posted an op-ed about the problems with anonymous donation. I had been corresponding with Alana Sveta Stewart, and planned on meeting her that afternoon. My wife shot a little video as I was woken up by my kids upstate with cards and pancakes. On the way back to Brooklyn we stopped at a parking lot amusement park, and when we got back to Brooklyn we found chaos as a building across the street had collapsed. Alana came by and ended up staying for a month. She was the first adult donor conceived person I had met. Our discussions helped me to better understand some of the issues that our culture needs to better understand.

This year, with a deadline looming on our Brooklyn film- my wife stayed in Brooklyn to work on the cut. I took the kids upstate. It was tough, but it went well in general. They let me lay in bed this morning while they played, and I read this article in the Times. It’s incredibly powerful, and hits upon a lot of things that I have been thinking about. Part of the reason I took the kids upstate by myself was that my wife was also going to stay home with our sick cat. However, on Friday morning I took her to a vet and had her put to sleep. It was a deeply stressful week dealing with that decision. In this linked post I tried to deal with a lot of different themes (a bit more than i could chew)- because I’m in the kind of head where I’m making a lot of connections (about life/death- fatherhood- identity- donor issues- parenting- ethics and culture and how they shift- etc). I’m trying to hold onto them- and make enough sense of them to put them down on paper, but it’s starting to make me feel even more stressed out.

This article has a lot to do with the ethics of medical care- especially elder care- and these issues- and the reality of how technology often races ahead of culture/ethics has everything do with how we view our relationships to our pets, our parents, and our kids (donor conceived or made the old fashioned way).

Doctors who care for patients, be they animal or human, naturally want to use all of their skill to “save” their patients. However, if we perform open heart surgery on an 80 year old person, with the attendant risks, are we taking into consideration what the realities are for the person we save, and their caregivers. Just because we can prolong life, should we? When I was talking to a neighbor in Brooklyn about the difficulty I faced in dealing with the vet he hit upon this concern immediately, “I was visiting my wife’s grandma in the nursing home. She was fine for the most part, but the person in the next room screamed all day, and was clearly a wreck. It was torture that she was being kept alive.” Our 16 year old cat was not on her last legs before she was hit with some kind of stomach obstruction a week ago. She was weaker though and sometimes had trouble jumping on the bed. A very expensive surgery might have kept her alive for a couple of years. However, they would have probably been a tough few years on her - and on us. The point is, with unlimited resources we might have been able to keep her alive for a long time, but should we have? It’s also true that technology has enabled women as old as 70 to have children- but should they? I don’t know the answer. Really I don’t.

On Father’s Day I can’t help but think of my father. His death was the impetus for my film about family. He died 4.5 years ago, hit by a car while trying to cross a highway to get to a basketball game. He was having a lot of problems with pain and movement at the time, and he hated to feel weak nearly as much as he hated going to the doctor. So in some ways his very sudden death was a blessing. He died in full control of his faculties, but not way before his time. Our daughter Harper was born a few months after he passed, and she reminds me of him in a lot of ways. My older daughter is like my mom (and me) - and she is like her mother (and my father).

I am not overly superstitious but there are a number of times it has felt like he has reached out from beyond the grave. The first time was about a month after he passed away. Harper was due in a month and I was doing some construction to prepare for her arrival. I was getting ready to sand some floors and I took up the linoleum in a closet. Underneath the linoleum was a newspaper from the week of my father’s birth. He was born July 27 1934- the paper was from the 30th. 6 months later we went to the beach to scatter his ashes. The morning after spreading them in the ocean my wife was followed around the parking lot of the hotel by a white piece of paper as we packed the car. Finally she picked it up- it was his cremation certificate that had been lost on the beach the evening before. A couple months later my daughter knocked an urn of his ashes to the floor- spreading them around the room. It felt like an impish joke. Last week after the NY Times’ Ross Douhat wrote about the recent survey concerning donor issues, they published a letter from a psychology professor about how technology has gotten ahead of the ethics in some ways. That professor taught with my father and this year won an award in his name. I hadn’t met him, but plan to shoot with him next month when I go to visit my family in NC.

They cycle of life- and film - continues- with my father pulling the strings from above.

Our 16 year old cat is sick. She hasn’t eaten in almost a week and has been throwing up when she tries to drink. When I went to make an appointment with the vet yesterday and I asked the receptionist how we might handle things if she wasn’t going to make it, she looked at me like I had just stepped in crap and said, “You would do that?”

As I told her, one of the reasons that I avoid the vet is because I don’t want to be judged. In almost all of my interactions with vets I have felt pushed to do tests and procedures that I didn’t feel comfortable with. In all fairness, I don’t believe that the vets are doing the procedures to make more money, but I also think that we have different concepts of how far we should go with medical intervention. I hate going to the doctor for the same reason.

I feel terrible about the situation with my cat, and I don’t want her to suffer. To me, subjecting a 16 year old cat (who has been in fairly good health but clearly getting stiffer and weaker) to a bunch of tests that would lead to surgery is cruel. She’s like an 85 year old woman. If minimally invasive techniques can’t pull her out of the woods, it seems that the only option is putting her down if she continues to deteriorate.

When we got the cat we had no children and no dog. When we got a dog, the cat’s life was a little more difficult. When the kids came she got a lot less attention. However, over the course of 16 years she’s gotten a good deal of love and affection; most winter nights she sleeps curled up with me under the covers. At the same time, our lives have changed significantly and the added stress of a very sick cat feels somewhat unbearable given the stress of two hyper needy kids and a difficult work situation.

30 years ago very few people would have considered surgery for an old sick family cat. Based on my dealings with vets it seems that it is now almost expected that pet owners will opt for it. Just like our relationship to pets, our culture’s relationship to children has shifted a great deal as well. At the turn of the century, a lot of families saw children as extra hands to help out with the family business or on the farm. By the 50’s with postwar prosperity, many people began to see children as the focus of the family. Today we have helicopter parents who live and breathe for the benefit of their children.

As with any societal shift these changes have all manners of positive and negative consequences. I think it’s great that people treat the animals that they don’t eat with respect and affection. However, with changing mores comes different expectations that can lead to difficult interactions. When I was questioned, and felt judged, by the secretary yesterday I was livid. I know my cat after 16 years and I know that it’s likely this was her end time. She’s been sick before but never this sick and never for this long. I didn’t get a lot better reception from the vet when I said that I didn’t want to do an ultrasound because I didn’t want to do surgery. The veiled disdain wasn’t so veiled.

In this case the sense of judgement had very negative consequences for my family and my cat. I had the vet hydrate her and give her a a shot to keep her from vomiting, to give her a chance to get better. When she continued to vomit after getting the shot it was clear that she had an obstruction, and would not survive. They hydration had comforted her and she seemed much better, so I hesitated to take her back to the vet to put her down despite knowing that she would not survive because I did not want to be judged for putting my cat to sleep. This was a big mistake because last night she went downhill and seeing her in this state has been very difficult not only for me, but for my children. I couldn’t sleep knowing she was suffering so I am writing this at dawn as I wait to take her to the vet. I dread the interaction even though i know that I have carefully considered my options. I love my cat and I believe that I know what’s best for her and my family.

Now imagine that you are the parents of a donor conceived child, or a donor, and you feel judged for not thinking through all of the possible negative consequences for the child. Clearly I am not equating pets and children, but instead the way in which our mores and attitudes change- and how those changes can have negative consequences. When I was a donor, I had absolutely no sense that children born from my genetic material would be interested in me. It has been a bit difficult to hear how much many donor kids want to know their donor fathers. It has been even more difficult to hear it when it’s said with anger and judgment attached. I imagine that it’s extremely difficult for parents of donor children- who conceived them with the best information and intentions available to them- to handle judgment about their decisions and actions. This is not to say that we should freeze our values as a society, but instead that when these values shift it’s important to have a degree of empathy for those that are “left behind” by the shift.

In addition to dealing with my sick cat this week I have also been stressed out by end of the school year activities. It has been a hectic year with a lot of ups and downs. A couple of nights ago I attended a meeting of parents from my older daughter’s school. In general, the parents are happy with the academic progress of our children but we have some problems with the emotional life of the school. To be clear, all of us give a great deal of deference to the teachers and administration, and give them the support and respect that they deserve. At the same time we are working on an initiative to improve the emotional life of the school and we have made some inspiring progress.

After several meetings we have come up with an inspiring list of values

1. Commitment to learning
We seek knowledge to better our community and ourselves.
• I can do anything when I work hard.

2. Respect
We treat people and our community with love and appreciation. We treat each other as equals.
• I will listen to you.

3. Responsibility
We use our thoughts, words, and actions to make the school a better place because we know that how we act affects our friends and environment.
• I make a difference.

4. Compassion
We care about other people and their feelings. When someone is feeling hurt or sad, we reach out to help them.
• I will be a good friend.

5. Leadership
We set a good example by having the courage and the self-determination to do what’s right, especially when others are not.
• I am capable.
• I am powerful.

6. Trustworthiness
We are loyal to our friends and community.
• You can count on me.
• I will never let you down.

7. Citizenship
We are valuable members of our community and good friends to our neighbors.
• I am powerful.

At the meeting we added an 8th, accountability. There was discussion that it was the same as responsibility- but we settled on the idea that accountability is an antidote for a failure to uphold any of the other seven values. While it has been valuable to think of these values as something we want our children to focus on it- it has been even more valuable to think of them as things that we adults need to focus on.

Last night, after another late school meeting/dinner with the kids we came home to find that the cat was going downhill. It was late and time for our older daughter to go to bed and she was being extremely rude. I snapped and yelled at her. I can’t say that I treated her with respect and I regret it. I did follow up by taking accountability for my actions. I know that the stress of the end of school and the sick cat was getting to all of us, and in retrospect it’s easy to see that I should have calmed myself with that knowledge.

In about an hour I will walk my daughter to school and my cat to the vet. As I make that walk I will think about these values and concentrate on upholding them.

I have not had the opportunity to read the entire study discussed in my last post. However, I have looked over it, and think that it’s a valuable tool for highlighting the needs and feelings of donor conceived people. It is clear as a bell that many dc people have suffered a great deal either from lack of connection to their biological roots, stigmas, secrecy, or a myriad of other factors.

As someone who has contributed to this problem (as a former donor), I would like to see it fixed as much as possible. I have no evidence that I have any children through donor conception- so it’s not clear that, even if I do, these particular people are suffering. So when I say contributed to this problem, I mean it in the broader sense, that I participated in a process that didn’t fully take into consideration the feelings and emotional needs of those that might be created. At the age of 20 I did this with the best intentions- yes I got paid- but if i had even the slightest inkling that children might suffer for a loss of connection i wouldn’t have considered doing it. This was pre-internet so i couldn’t even just google to see what people were saying…

Today while thinking about this stuff the term, the law of unintended consequences kept coming up in my head. In a sense every action has unintended consequences. When doctors began the process of assisting in reproduction it is doubtful that they foresaw a world where two people might order eggs and sperm from two other people and hire a third to carry the child. In a sense that’s an unintended consequence. When I was growing up, the child of a psychologist and a social worker, nurture was king. People believed that love and proper child rearing was all that mattered, and that genetic roots were of limited importance. As i’ve written recently, a lot of my film is about how strong roots are- yet i am still confused as to whether some of my feelings and actions are in the blood or the modeling. even with data it’s hard to know. In some sense, the unintended consequence of this upbringing was that I couldn’t even fathom the idea that my genetic material would mean a connection to me or my family to the child born of that …. seed.

While the system of anonymity was likely put in place with decent intentions- those charged with taking care of people genuinely felt that it was best for all involved if secrecy was maintained- the unintended consequence was emotional suffering. Now that it’s clear that secrecy is a bad idea it’s no longer an unintended consequence. It is simply a consequence. It should be very difficult at this point for the industry to ignore the very loud chorus of voices that’s beginning to rise.

When the “my daddy’s name is donor” study came out, it was an unintended consequence that parents of donor conceived people felt threatened by the way the study was put together. Now that this is apparently the case, it is a consequence.

Again, i barely have a horse in the race, but with my limited sense of standing I still would like nothing more than to help everyone achieve the best outcome. As a father of two awesome biological children with my wonderful wife, I know how important that blood connection is. As a former donor who is working on a script about these issues with a dc woman I know what a powerful impact these issues can have. As a friend and neighbor to countless people who are either single mothers, smc’s, lesbian couples, a gay man and a lesbian woman partnering to raise a biological child, etc I know that their feelings are on the front lines of any discussion. So any discussion about the rights of dc people that includes limiting the rights of these people is never going to go forward in a positive way.

If instead every effort is made to think about these people and their feelings even as we discuss the pitfalls and dangers of normalizing these situations then they might be able to listen thoughtfully, and participate in the discussion.

My point here is that even though I have not read the whole study, I have seen that it has upset some people, and that worries me- because i too want as much openness as possible, and i want to see the rights and needs of DC people recognized and taken into consideration.

Last week “My Daddy’s Name is Donor” was released. This report, which was put together by the Institute for American Values, shines a very harsh light on the whole system of egg and sperm donation - specifically, from the point of view of the children conceived by the process.

Alana, whom I have known and worked with for the last year, was a part of the study and she has recently begun blogging about her own issues with both her donor conception and her egg donation at familyscholars.org (which was set up by the Institute for American Values). The study and her recent focus on the issue has put her in a very emotional space. I talked with her yesterday and I know that the strain of dealing with her own complex feelings has been difficult.

Over the past couple of years of tracking this issue and thinking about my own relationship to it, I have come to believe that anonymous donation is a bad idea, and further, the system by which donation takes place is extremely flawed. It is clear that the system is driven more by capitalism than whole-hearted compassion. It’s a good thing that we are hearing the voices of those who are most affected by the process, the donor conceived, so that we might rectify that imbalance.

The report really focuses on the very important fact that the system is set up to serve parents (clients/consumers), and does not do nearly enough to consider the needs of the children (the products). Unfortunately, it’s clear from the ways in which the report is being discussed online that many people involved with the issue feel threatened by the report and the manner in which it was produced and disseminated. The forceful nature of the report may serve the purpose of putting the realities of egg and sperm donation in front of people, but frankly does so in a way that fans the flames of culture war. Again, it’s incredibly important to hear from donor conceived people as they have more at stake than anyone else involved. At the same time, if the discussion vilifies those who chose/choose to go this route in order to have children, it’s less likely that those people, and their communities, will be willing or able to engage in productive dialogue about the core issues.

One donor conceived person told me that she thought it was important to create stigmas- that people shouldn’t think that just anyone should think it’s fine to use donor assisted reproduction. Her point was that her experience, as well as the data in the report, make it clear that the emotional problems that people who don’t know their genetic identity face prove to her that it should be avoided as much as possible. While I support vigorous debate, and completely understand where she’s coming from, I’m sure that I don’t support creating stigmas.

It’s been over two years since I listed myself on the donor sibling registry, as a former donor, and I have not been contacted yet by any children born from my efforts. As such, my emotions about donation have not had a real opportunity for challenge. Intellectually it’s been made more than clear to me that the process of anonymous donation can no longer be seen at ethical or accountable. While it sometimes might make the capitalist based process simpler for many of those involved, it completely negates the needs of the child to be. However, not having had the experience of hearing from my own offspring, it’s difficult for me to connect on a completely emotional level to the pain that donor kids feel.

Alana points out that her emotions feel validated by the study because so many other donor kids have comments and thoughts that echo her own. I certainly have no intention of invalidating any of these feelings, and I think it’s critical that these feelings be made known to people considering involvement in the process. At the same time, I worry about using these ideas to create a sense of stigma, or a broad set of restrictions and limits on they type of people who can become parents. Further, the more that we create a sense of stigma, the more we limit discussion. Many of those who might otherwise get involved in the discussion are likely to be more private if they feel that they will be stigmatized for being open and honest. Frankly, the present level of stigma attached to donation makes it a bit difficult for former donors like me to be a part of the debate. I also worry that if the debate starts to pit one group against another we’ll head towards a long term stalemate that limits discussion.

I grew up in a “stable” family with a mother and a father who both strived to be the best parents they could be. They really did try, but in a lot of ways they failed. I think about the ways that failed as I parent my own children, and damn it, i make the same mistakes they did - over and over again. I work hard to keep it from happening and to some degree I do. The point is, my parents, despite their best efforts, were far from perfect. They, like me, are flawed. Even with their flaws, I certainly wouldn’t want to deny them the right to be parents.

The weekend that the study came out I was the photographer at the wedding of two friends of mine, Mark and Lin. It was a really beautiful ceremony and event. Near the end of it I was struck by the fact that I really hadn’t even thought about the fact that both grooms were men. It just wasn’t an issue at all. I like and respect them, and all of their friends and family. I think that if they decide that they want to raise a child that they should be privy to as much information about donor issues, as well as adoption issues as possible. They should read the stories of how DC people, and should talk to them, hear them, meet them. After gathering the best information they can find they should be able to make a decision about how to move forward. I don’t however, think that there should be any undue roadblocks put in the way of their raising children. I also don’t think that they should feel any stigma if they do decide to become parents in some way. If we structure a discussion about DC issues in such a way that intelligent, thoughtful, loving people like them feel attacked or excluded, then I fear that the issues faced by DC people will be lost in the shuffle.

It’s clear that as a culture we need to evolve in our relationship to donor issues. I believe that the discussion inspired by “My Daddy’s name is Donor” will help inspire a shift in societal attitudes and understandings. I do hope however that that shift doesn’t include increased stigma. An open and civil exchange of ideas that treats everyone with respect will clearly create the greatest benefit for everyone involved.